A thought to ponder

A friend of mine (Robin) recently asked: "So how do we help our young ladies (and young men, too) realize their potential? What kinds of things do you do to help your own children?"

Great question. Thought provoking. She was inspired to ask us this after having read an article in the NY Times which outlined the lack of confidence in the female authors (or potential authors) that the narrator was meeting in Minnesota. Robin is the mother of three daughters and so I presume that how she read the article was skewed to reflect her own reality which is so different from my own.

I enjoyed the article. I am in agreement with VERLYN KLINKENBORG (the person who wrote the article) that many female children are reared to expect to have to behave differently than their peers. I have heard from many parents, over time, about how they want their daughters to believe they can be anything and do anything but also hear them make comments like: "You may have a hard time if you act too aggressively" or "Some people may not take you seriously if you dress like . . ." Curious.

As a mother I hope my approach is different. I was strongly entrenched in the world of WOMYN before I was a parent and, quite honestly, didn't think I would ever be able to mother a boy. I can and I am. I was surprised by the subtle differences. I am MORE surprised by the similarities between the feelings boys have and the feelings I remember having as a child.

Take my eldest. He wears his heart on his sleeve. The stereotype of strong boys who exude self-confidence is not him. His self-confidence is building. It waxes and wanes as he moves through the pathways of life. He is getting better about being able to shrug off a comment made to him by someone he doesn't know but is finding it increasingly easy to lose himself in the worry and sadness that comes when someone he loves speaks to him in a way (or says things in a way) that he deems to be critical.

The fact that he is homeschooled means that he is open to a lot of comments which other children would not necessarily hear (although they may). When someone he doesn't know asks him about his reading or maths abilities he shrugs it off and answers with a monosyllabic response and lets it go. When people he loves (myself included -- although it really only seems to bother him when there are other people around for whom he is expected to "perform." **I'll come back to that later) quiz him in an effort to have him prove what he knows, he takes offense. It may not show up right away but it will present. He has been known to lay in bed at night worrying about what his loved ones think about him because he feels they are often quizzing him.

I have worked so hard at helping him approach learning in a way that works for him and instills self-confidence -- which he exudes while he is home, learning and putting that new knowledge to use -- but I still come up against a lack of confidence that continuously resides below the surface.

Is that the thing to focus on then?? If I can't rid him totally of the esteem issue he seems to have, should I try instead to simply learn how to make it work for him? And if so, how do I make that happen?

When he feels safe he lets all inhibitions go and he is a remarkable and open person who loves to learn, loves to share, loves to take part. It's getting him to the place where he can feel safe.

**Back to the issue of ME having him perform. What am I teaching him about my own issues around esteem and confidence if I am asking him to perform his skills for others? If I can't exude the same virtues I want him to possess, how can he trust that he should have them himself?

Quinn on the other hand is a different kettle of fish. He appears confident and eager right from the outset. This is only when he knows there are people nearby, preferably within arms reach, to rescue him if he needs it. He will ultimately try anything (and I mean anything) if the right person is there with him to help him feel safe. He is also my introvert. He is less concerned what others think, even other loved ones, as long as he and I are okay.

So, back to Robin's original question: "how do we help our young ladies (and young men, too) realize their potential? What kinds of things do you do to help your own children?"

I guess we just tell them how amazing they are. We let them try new things, even without having finished the old thing if necessary, so that they have a chance to explore as many of life's avenues as possible and can get a true sense of what it is that feeds their passion.

As for the kinds of things we can do to help our own children, well, I think that varies dramatically from child to child. Each one, if given the safe place to share, will ultimately tell us what they need from us. Maybe it is our physical presence. Perhaps they need some financial assistance -- harder for some than others. Maybe they need to know that they can take their time and allow a path to come to them.

Well, what have I decided at the end of this long, drawn-out reflection?? That I don't know anything. I have more questions than answers. That I hope I will be able to be exactly what each of my children need me to be to allow them to become the best people they could possibly be. (I don't think I am unique in wanting this)